Gender disappointment: why it happens and what helps

What is gender disappointment?

Gender disappointment is sadness, and sometimes grief, after learning your baby’s sex, when it isn’t the sex you’d hoped for. Psychologist Lindsay McMillan describes it as holding a preference for a daughter or a son “and experiencing emotional distress when baby’s sex does not match” (TODAY). Both parents can feel it, “and it’s nothing to be ashamed of,” says COPE, an Australian perinatal mental health charity (COPE).

What a scan or blood test detects is the baby’s sex. The feeling can come during pregnancy or after the birth (Stahnke and Cooley, 2025), and it runs both ways. Online forums often describe a mother of girls who learns she’s expecting another girl, “or vice versa in a family of boys,” notes Chrissy Jayarajah, a consultant perinatal psychiatrist in London (Jayarajah, BJPsych Bulletin, 2023).

Is it a mental illness? Researchers in Germany and Australia argued in a 2020 paper that it isn’t a distinct one, with its own symptoms or treatment. But they recognized that “parents’ distress is real and requires psychological treatment” (Hendl and Browne, 2020). Like a grief reaction, Jayarajah adds, it has the potential to reach the threshold for a mental disorder.

Is gender disappointment normal?

Perinatal mental health groups say yes. PANDA, an Australian perinatal mental health charity with a national helpline, calls it “a common and normal human response,” and a common theme among callers (PANDA). Psychologist Emma Levine told TODAY it’s “very common” among her clients. She and McMillan suggest reminding yourself that “lots of people feel the same way.”

How common is it?

No one knows. COPE says prevalence “is unclear, in part due to limited research,” and in part due to a perceived taboo about speaking openly. In 2025, two U.S. researchers searched social science databases back to 1974. They found just 7 articles to include, and called for “more in-depth research” (Stahnke and Cooley).

Some studies are very small. Researchers in Derby and Nottingham, England, interviewed 6 British mothers online, all with only sons and wanting a daughter. Their themes included “feelings of guilt and shame,” barriers to seeking help, and “the benefits of talking” (Young and colleagues, Journal of Health Visiting, 2021). Six interviews can show what it’s like, not how often it happens.

Having a preference is common, though. In a 2018 Gallup telephone poll of 1,520 U.S. adults, asked what they’d want if they could have only one child, 36% said a boy and 28% a girl. The other 36% volunteered that it wouldn’t matter, or had no opinion (Gallup, 2018). That poll measured a preference, not disappointment, and it asked U.S. adults in general, not expecting parents in particular.

Why it can happen

Charities and psychologists describe several reasons (Gidget Foundation):

• A picture of the future. “Once you find out you’re pregnant, you will likely envision your future,” TODAY notes. For many parents, COPE says, the sadness is about feeling they might miss out on activities, relationships or experiences they “may associate with a particular gender.”
• Hopes for a particular family. You may want one of each, or already have children of one sex. For some families, COPE says, it’s “the loss of a sibling relationship.”
• Worries about raising a boy or a girl. Some parents fear they won’t relate to a child of one sex, or that raising one will be harder. PANDA gives “anxiety around keeping a girl safe” as an example.
• Family or cultural expectations. Pressure can come from relatives, or from cultural or religious assumptions. TODAY’s example: hoping for “a niece for your sister or a grandson for your dad who raised a gaggle of girls.”
• Old hurts. PANDA lists “unresolved trauma around a certain gender,” for example after domestic violence, sexual assault or bullying. If that’s part of it for you, COPE suggests professional support.

“You haven’t done anything wrong by feeling the way you do,” PANDA tells parents.

How it can feel, and how long it lasts

In the first moments or hours, PANDA says, you might feel shock, sadness or fear. As the news sinks in, more complex feelings can follow:

• Grief “for the imaginary child you had been mentally bonding with.”
• Disappointment at the gap between the life you imagined and the one ahead.
• Guilt “because you aren’t feeling happy.”
• Envy when someone else has a child of the sex you wanted.

Shame often comes too. PANDA says shame and guilt “are the most common feelings that parents share.” People may also feel “angry, jealous, disconnected and even ashamed of having these hard emotions,” writes Julia Garrett, a psychologist at Baptist Health in Jacksonville, Florida (Baptist Health).

Love and loss, side by side

Mixed feelings are part of it. PANDA tells parents: “You are capable of feeling love for your new baby at the same time as feeling devastated that you don’t have a baby of the other gender.” “Remember the ‘and,’” McMillan told TODAY. “You can absolutely love the baby you do have and feel a sense of loss for the baby you have held in your mind.” COPE adds that gender disappointment “does not mean that you will not love, or be able to love your baby.”

Does it pass?

It can ease with time, though not on a set timetable. “For some, this is a fleeting feeling, and it can pass within hours or days,” the Gidget Foundation says. “But for many parents the disappointment isn’t something they can quickly get over.” PANDA says intense feelings “can often pass once we give them the space to be processed,” and won’t always be present, “especially as you begin to bond with your baby.” For others, it adds, the feelings “can increase in intensity.”

Jayarajah writes that clinicians have noted most uncomplicated gender disappointment “presents as mild and self-limiting, resolving soon after birth without the need for intervention.” Some parents, she adds, may need more intensive support, “often psychological in nature.”

Finding out privately first

A reveal puts the first reaction on show. “We’ve all seen those viral gender reveals, where mums and dads struggle to hide their disappointment,” the Gidget Foundation writes. PANDA says “the expectation of ‘joy’ from friends and family can be the most exhausting part.” If you think you might have mixed feelings, you can learn the answer privately first, then decide who to tell, and when.

• Ask for it sealed. Ask ahead whether the answer can go in an envelope, then open it alone or with your partner. What a sonographer’s confidence means covers what to ask before the answer is sealed.
• Find out before the party, not at it. You can know first and still share the moment. How to plan a gender reveal party, step by step starts with deciding who gets to know, and that can be you first.
• Tell family when you’re ready. PANDA’s advice: “You don’t have to tell everyone how you’re really feeling, but you also don’t have to lie.”
• At a medical scan, speak up early. In England, the NHS says to tell the sonographer “at the start of the scan” if you’d like to know, and notes that some hospitals don’t tell (NHS).
• Or wait. Finding out at birth is a choice too, and Boy or girl? What changes when you find out early weighs it up.

Whichever route you take, plan around a confident call, not an early guess. The NHS says it’s not possible for a sonographer to be 100% certain about a baby’s sex (NHS). When can you find out your baby’s gender? compares every option, week by week.

What helps

1. Name the feeling. COPE says it’s important to acknowledge your feelings, “whatever they may be.” PANDA peer practitioner Marley suggests noticing them “without judgment.” Telling yourself you shouldn’t feel this way “only makes us feel worse,” Garrett writes.
2. Give it time. “Like all grief situations, it takes time to feel better,” PANDA says. McMillan and Levine suggest giving yourself permission to be sad about the family you’d pictured.
3. Talk to someone you trust. Choose someone who won’t judge you, such as a family member, close friend or therapist, McMillan and Levine suggest. Mothers in the British interview study described “the benefits of talking.”
4. Look underneath it. COPE suggests thinking about what the disappointment is about. It also reminds parents that “your child will have their own interests and personality that won’t necessarily align with gender stereotypes.”
5. Take a break from social media. The Gidget Foundation suggests turning off social media and notifications, to grieve “without triggers from other families.”
6. Get counseling if it’s heavy. If you’re not coping, or it’s affecting how you feel about your baby, talk to your doctor or midwife. “Talking to a health professional can help,” COPE says.

If you’re the partner

Partners can feel it too, and it “can impact relationships if you or your partner aren’t able to process your feelings in a safe way,” PANDA says. McMillan and Levine suggest checking in with your partner to see how they’re feeling. Disappointment, even anger, is normal, PANDA adds, but “it’s not okay to express this in a way that’s physically or emotionally unsafe for your partner.” If you don’t feel safe with your partner, call 911 if you’re in immediate danger (999 in the UK, 000 in Australia). In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7 on 1-800-799-7233 (The Hotline).

For family and friends

If someone confides in you, be what McMillan and Levine call “a safe person to talk to who won’t judge.” Listen, without arguing them out of it or rushing them to feel grateful. Check in again later. If their low mood lasts, encourage them to talk to their doctor or midwife.

When it may be more than disappointment

For some parents, gender disappointment leads to something heavier. PANDA says trouble processing it “can lead to you experiencing symptoms of perinatal anxiety and/or depression.” Jayarajah warns that if low mood and gender disappointment aren’t recognized and managed in a timely way, “they can spiral and affect maternal bonding and infant attachment.” If it’s getting heavier, don’t wait for it to pass.

Perinatal depression is a mood disorder that occurs during pregnancy and after childbirth, says the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Among the symptoms it lists (NIMH):

• A persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities.
• Feelings of hopelessness, guilt or worthlessness.
• Trouble bonding or forming an emotional attachment with the baby.
• Thoughts of death, or of harming yourself or the baby.

If any of these sound like you, or the disappointment lingers and starts to affect how you feel about your baby, talk to your doctor or midwife. Perinatal depression “can be treated,” NIMH says, and it isn’t caused by anything you have or haven’t done.

Where to find support

• In the U.S. Call, text or chat with the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). It’s free, confidential and available 24/7 in English and Spanish (HRSA). Postpartum Support International’s HelpLine, 1-800-944-4773, offers support and resources: you leave a confidential message, and a trained volunteer calls or texts you back (PSI). PSI also runs free online groups, including a Pregnancy Mood Support Group (PSI groups).
• In England. If you need urgent help for your mental health, call 111 and select the mental health option, or ask for an urgent GP appointment. To talk about anything that’s troubling you, call Samaritans on 116 123 (NHS).
• In Australia. PANDA’s National Helpline is 1300 726 306, but PANDA says it isn’t a crisis service: for immediate support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, 24/7 (PANDA).

A private answer at our Glendale studio

At our studio in Glendale, Los Angeles County, a Gender Confirmation can be a secret session. Tell us it’s a secret before you lie down. The screens stay off, we find the answer, and it goes into an envelope nobody can see through.

The envelope is subject to availability, so ask for it when you book. It’s the only extra: the secret session itself costs the same as any other gender scan. Bring whoever you like, or come on your own. Then the envelope is yours to open when and where you choose.

It’s a keepsake, not a medical exam: it doesn’t replace the anatomy scan or any appointment with your doctor or midwife. The FDA and the AIUM discourage keepsake-only scans (FDA, AIUM), and Safety, in plain words sets out what they say. See finding out with us, the session for families who’ve been told and prices, including the envelope’s.

Picking a week? Start with your due date, and the planner lists the sessions that fit now and the ones still ahead. Whatever you type is kept on your device.

Questions